It’s been a long time since I have updated this blog.  I have been avoiding reflection.  I didn’t want to think, didn’t want to look inside.  Tonight, I finally decided to pick up Blue Like Jazz again… and on the page where I  left off, the poem by C.S. Lewis caught my eyes:

All This is flashy rhetoric about loving you.                                                 I never had a selfless thought since I was born.                                         I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;                               I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,                                    I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;                                         I talk of love – a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek -                                        But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Just a week ago, I was talking about self-centeredness is human nature in Sunday school.  And here I am, back where I began.  I have been seeking solely for peace and reassurance, particularly about my career and my father’s health.  For some of the things, I could probably be more proactive about, but I really couldn’t do much about the rest.  Sometimes, I just wish that all these troubles would go away.  I ask “why?” all the time, “why me?”  I began to focus on all the hurt I was feeling, even though I know God oversees all things.  Maybe a better question to ask is “How?”  “How can I praise You in these trouble times?” 

Seems like I just answered my own questions... But honestly, it may sound easy to love God with all my heart, my mind and my soul…but it is not.  Not at all.  It’s a tough task to connect what I know to my heart.

Talk is always easier than the Walk.