Jul 17

It’s been a long time since I have updated this blog.  I have been avoiding reflection.  I didn’t want to think, didn’t want to look inside.  Tonight, I finally decided to pick up Blue Like Jazz again… and on the page where I  left off, the poem by C.S. Lewis caught my eyes:

All This is flashy rhetoric about loving you.                                                 I never had a selfless thought since I was born.                                         I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;                               I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,                                    I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;                                         I talk of love – a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek -                                        But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Just a week ago, I was talking about self-centeredness is human nature in Sunday school.  And here I am, back where I began.  I have been seeking solely for peace and reassurance, particularly about my career and my father’s health.  For some of the things, I could probably be more proactive about, but I really couldn’t do much about the rest.  Sometimes, I just wish that all these troubles would go away.  I ask “why?” all the time, “why me?”  I began to focus on all the hurt I was feeling, even though I know God oversees all things.  Maybe a better question to ask is “How?”  “How can I praise You in these trouble times?” 

Seems like I just answered my own questions... But honestly, it may sound easy to love God with all my heart, my mind and my soul…but it is not.  Not at all.  It’s a tough task to connect what I know to my heart.

Talk is always easier than the Walk.

Two weeks in a roll, I have been crying in worship...

Partly because I was sad about all the things happening in my life, and the things happening in my family...

I can't cry at home, because I don't want to burden my dad...if anything happens, I don't want him to leave with worries...

and when I think about the songs that we sing... lyrics like "even though I don't know what the future is going to be like, even though I am going through tough times, I will praise Him", "I will choose to believe that things happen in His time and it's for the best"... these kind of songs just bring me to tears every time I sing it, because it's not easy to declare faith in tough times...but it is good that I cried, at least, I had my release...

With regards to my dad, he is the closest family member I ever had. He is the only family member who has been around since the day I was born. Ever since he was diagnosed with Hep B, I know this day will come. And I have been imagining (on and off) what would life be like when he is gone. I guess no matter how many times I have tried to mentally prepare myself for it, the day will still come (just because everyone will eventually die) and I would still be really upset about it...

But I am thankful, that God has found him, that we will for sure meet again in Heaven if anything happens.

It's like something that you can never get rid off...especially just when you think there is hope that it might be completely gone, it comes back to destroy your hopeful spirit. The hardest part in fighting cancer is to remain hopeful and be optimistic...

It's not an individual's battle, it's a family's battle

And for Christians...
the hardest part is to trust that God's plan is for the best, especially when you have doubts about it but there's really nothing you can do to make it better...

It's all up to God now...

Lately, it's been hard for me...

Things couldn't have happened at the worst time...and they all add up together...

I got a call from my cousin in HK saying that my grandma had a stroke the day when I am supposed to do the team orientation...I didn't have time to think much about it...I did what I had to do right away...sort out my parents' bills, extend their leave of absence, book the plane tickets for them...(they were on a cruise at the moment)...still had to carry on and do the team orientation...didn't know how I managed...I think God did it for me...the prayer before really calmed me down...

I hate being the one to break the news to my parents....I had to be logical and all, coz they only had a few hours to think things through before flying back to HK after I pick them up from the cruise... I didn't get to cry with them....actually I didn't get to cry much and it's tough to have bottled it all up (all the stress from work plus this, which adds to the stress)...I felt like I had to be the strong one at the moment to support them...

My grandma passed away the next day, my parents didn't make it back soon enough to see her go....and she wasn't a believer...she mocked us when we pray before our meals the last time we went back to HK...

and then it was Culturathon, the few days before was crunch time...still working...

It wasn't until Sunday, after Culturathon, on my way to worship, I cried a little bit...because I heard He Will Carry Me on Praise 106...it's my first time hearing the song and it was very comforting...coz I have been asking "why" questions again...why now? why this? Isn't it difficult enough for me already? And it was comforting to know...if I ever breakdown...even tho the road is tough...He will always be there...

and during worship, I finally broke down and cried...because my grandma wasn't a believer and that will be it for her...she will be in eternal hell...I cried because of that...no more chances for her...

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me

And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm

chorus*

I apologize...this post is actually a while ago...I wrote it but never got the time to put it up...

Was with eSquare the other day, we were helping out at the Fruit tree sharing farm.I was part of the group doing the weeding…and we ended up digging into the soil to dig up the roots….mind you, they were deep and long…It was hard work, and I don’t think we were successful in rooting out all the weeds….coz they penetrated really deep down the soil….

we eventually gave up at one point because of the limited time we have…

While I was weeding, I was thinking:

These weeds are kinda like our sins….the longer we left it there, the deeper its roots and stronger it is….we can always be lazy…and just take out the plant part of the weeds (we did that for a while, coz we were tired), or in other words, “act like” a Christian and avoid displaying unfavourable behaviours… (coz the weeds cannot be seen once the plant part is removed)…or to take our beliefs seriously by digging deep into the roots of our sins…that’s hard work tho…imagine the soil is the heart, and our sins are deeply rooted in our hearts like the roots of the weeds…in order to dig the roots out…..the soil will have to be turned, ploughed, ripped….so in other words, to be truly rid of our sins, means breaking our heart into pieces, remove the impurities, and then putting it back together again….

Merely taking the roots out physically took us 4 hours, and we haven’t even got to the bottom of it….so, I can’t really imagine how long it will take to dig up these roots in our hearts…it’s already been done for us, but then again, it’s not really done…

It's okay to be broken; we are all broken in one way or another....but it's not okay to use it as an excuse to justify our behaviour...

It is Jesus who picks up the pieces and put them back together...

It is also Jesus who will shines through these cracks...

It would hurt before we can truly be reborn again...



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The year 2008 has been filled with many surprises and changes. God has given me plenty of opportunities to stretch my capabilities, and with each new opportunity came new challenges. For each new challenge, God provided just what I needed at the best time. It looks like God has been nudging me to move forward, to explore areas outside of my comfort zone.

God has also let my family experience His presence and peace. I am now very convinced that God has been preparing the best for us since the day of our birth. He prepared Dad's flight back even before the illness was discovered. He prepared the best doctors for Dad shortly upon Dad's arrival in HK, and gave Dad a prompt treatment. He gave Dom and I tickets back to see Dad.

All those mentioned above were all rather big changes for me this year. Coincidentally, the 2008 camp theme happened to be "change". I was involved in the planning process as part of the committee since the beginning of the year, BEFORE the camp theme was finalized. I had no idea that the theme would be "change", and I really didn't plan to have any changes (let alone plans for change) last year. And here I am, after having experienced all these unplanned changes (and probably more changes in the upcoming year), can only trust that God will provide just as He has provided for me and my family in the past year. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I know He holds the future. Whatever it is ahead of me, He will provide a way.

It's been an amazing experience through and through for the past year. God has proven once again, that He is the faithful God, even when we are faithless.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

by the way, it looks like God is training me to depend solely on Him and His Providence. =)
Still learning to walk the journey one step at a time..in Him and with Him..

As an aside, my first 2009 resolution: exercise 45 mins twice a week. =P

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I'd like to share a song that has touched me deeply - Still by Hillsong

Hide me now, under your wings
Cover me, within your mighty hand

*When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father, you are King over the flood
I will be still, and know you are God

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone
Know His power, in quietness and trust

*Chorus



This song always reminds me of the story in which Jesus calms the storm. But my focus is on the part before Jesus woke up to calm the storm. I will always remember that sermon on the attitudes of the disciples on the ship. I think it's easy to forget that God is always with us, especially in times of trouble, and we start panicking and start taking matters in our own hands.

Notice how the lyrics did not say "Jesus will calm the storm", but instead it says "I will soar with You above the storm". Imagine riding the waves with Him!

I guess everyone comes with a baggage, whether big or small, and these troubles don't necessarily go away in a day, in a week, or even in a few years; honestly, these troubles may never go away, especially when they have to do with people around us. We may often try to improve the situation by trying to change the people around us. But people can't change people, we can't even try to change ourselves or persist in the change on our own! God changes people, in His time.

Sometimes we may feel like these troubles only seem to get worse, and not better. For me, I always feel that these troubles are actually training grounds for me to become more of the lady God has designed me to be; it's one of the ways for God to change me. And when we are willing to cooperate with Him in changing ourselves, we may, one day, experience the sweet victory over these troubles in Him. =)

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